SALES are the Lady In Red of Retail.

50% OFF! COME BUY FROM US!

NO! 55% OFF! COME TO US! 

NO NO NO! 75% OFF! COME! COOOME! 

(Terms and Conditions Apply)

We're all quite familiar with these slogans. They're what make us go nuts and and bat-shiz-crazy when we go out shopping. Men, you do it too, though not necessarily for the same stores. What makes us behave this way? After going into countless shops advertising "BIG SALES" on large red posters only to find that their ideas of sales are raising prices and then slashing them down to original prices, we walk out empty-handed and STILL enter another pointless flashy sale. WHY does it not get into our thick, massive skulls that SALES. ARE. BULL. They're fakes! 

Middle Eastern Chick will provide you with an analogy: The Lady In Red. Who is she? Let Middle Eastern Chick tell you. She is that mysteriously sexy, red-clad woman that will turn heads wherever she goes. She is the woman who can seduce a man without even trying. She is the woman who can tame a man by glaring at him. She is the woman who can turn a man into putty by giving him a smoldering look. SHE is the woman that every other woman wants to be. Now, what do sales and the Lady In Red have in common? Hmm... let's see... 

Oh! Middle Eastern Chick knows! Is it their flashy red exterior? Well, that's one thing, but it's not the main thing. Okay, is it their cheap exterior? That was a low blow... but let's let that one slide. Okay, is it their ability to attract attention come rain, storm, snow, hail or even friggin' lava? Hmm... close. Is it their ability to attract and then ruthlessly put people down? Huh... maybe. Or is it the fact that they're all red hot on the outside but downright trashy on the inside? Yeah, we like that one. 

In fact, it's all of them. The Lady In Red is known to symbolize temptation, and SALES are pretty much the epitome of temptation for a shopper. Too bad they're both just flashy exteriors and rubbish interiors. Let Middle Eastern Chick explain, using one more example, how a SALE is like a Lady In Red. Okay, a SALE will draw you in, giving you unreasonable expectations, quickly giving you a high and leaving you waiting for that perfect buy; but, in the end, you get crushed, realising that all the stuff on sale is pure trash and you walk out empty handed. A Lady In Red, similarly, will ignite your interest (especially for men, unless she- or you- happens to bat for the other team), draw you in and entrance you with her flawless looks and mysterious nature. Just when you're hoping for a little bit more, checking your breath and quickly flashing your teeth on the back of a spoon, she gives you a devilish smile and walks away. There you are, standing like a moron, still checking your teeth on the back of a spoon, only to look up and realise that you're standing alone in the middle of nowhere, possibly even with your wallet missing (if you happen to be really unlucky... and stupid).

So there you have it, SALES are the Ladies in Red of retail. You best watch out... otherwise someday, one of these teases might just take you for a ride that you'll never forget and forgive yourself for. Like the day Middle Eastern Chick bought a dress on "sale" that was probably more expensive than her whole wardrobe put together. 

She kids, she kids. It was a skirt.

MEChick is going to go ahead and use a picture that says "Shutterstock" all over it, because she's just bad-ass like that. Total rebel. 

Goin' All Yogi On The World

So, Middle Eastern Chick has been doing something quite different from her usual pass-times... she has been taking yoga classes. No no, not the sort of yoga that involves stuff like Downward Dog, Cat Pose, Mountain Pose and all that... It's the sort that involves sitting in one place for hours and breathing. That's it. Just breathing. Even writing it makes Middle Eastern Chick all jittery... She likes movement. She likes adventure. She. Wants. ACTION.

So, sitting in one place and just breathing isn't exactly her cup of tea. Or so she thought. Turns out this breathing stuff is actually pretty useful. Being a bit of a skeptic when it comes to stuff like meditation, Middle Eastern Chick started this program more for the raw-food detox that it provided (hey, every girl wants to lose just a little more weight...) However, after meditating for a while, Middle Eastern Chick realised that, hey, maybe this stuff ain't so bad after all! Sure, she hasn't experienced full-on Nirvana or anything of that sort... but the peace and quiet that comes from meditation sure gives some time for thought. Some serious, deep, soulful and life-altering though.

Eyes closed. Body relaxed. Here's what goes through Middle Eastern Chick's mind:


Okay. Here I am. This position is weird. Shh! I need to relax. Just relax. Yes... Let go... Think nothing... Leave my body... Shhhhhh....


...


Just kidding. I'm still here. Am I doing this right? 


My watch is ticking too loudly. It needs to shut up. Or maybe it could hypnotize me. Yeah! Okay, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13... wait, am I at 13 or 14? Oh screw it. 


...


When is this getting over? 


...


I'm hungry. I want a sandwich. A Joey Tribbiani sandwich. With salami and mustard... Oh wait, I'm not supposed to eat meat. So, no salami. What the heck is a salami buddy? Mental note: ask mom what a salami buddy is. 


...


Okay, I lost myself for a minute. Was that it? Did I just PROPERLY meditate? *Mental squeal* Cool!


...


I really need to stop. Okay. Focus. Breeeeeathhhee..... Slowwlyyy.... Innn... Ouuutt.... Iiiiinnnnn.... Ouuuutttt.... 

Okay, the thoughts are usually deeper than this. Honestly. No really. Valuable lesson learned: Don't meditate while you're hungry. Salami will haunt your Nirvana and harsh your mellow.

Are Summer Blues Really Blue?

That Middle Eastern Chick just finished her last day in a school where she spent around nine years of her school life. Needless to say, it has been a very emotional day. However, now that summer is OFFICIALLY here, all she can think of saying is "Now what...?" Such an anti-climax, innit?! To think about all those days during school when we'd moan about the woes of education and the cocktails of torturous pain we could put it's benefactors through... What a waste!

Middle Eastern Chick has realised that this cycle of painful longing, under-the-breath-cursing, relief, satisfaction and then, finally, clueless oblivion is a rather repetitive one. It happens every summer! Yet, we always fail to anticipate the next step! We're always so busy complaining about school, chores, work and projects that we manipulate the idea of summer in our minds to make it seem like the most FANTASTIC thing ever! We start planning the various things we want to do during summer, listing them endlessly, naively deluding ourselves into thinking that we WILL do them this summer even if we failed to do them in previous summers! What a hoot! HA! Just the thought of the mental list that Middle Eastern Chick made during the school year is a laugh!

"Write a book"... Was she being serious or was that the excess of information on pancreatic juices talking?
"Write a personal thesis on anthropology"... Nope, that was definitely the self-pity talking. ME Chick remembers the night she put this on her list. It was a dark, dark night, full of chocolate, cookies, self-hate and Scarlett Johansson.
"Star in a local movie and become a local celebrity"... What the...?
"Tutor kids for extra cash"... That didn't work out last summer for ME Chick... what makes her think it will work out THIS summer. A sudden burst of fairy dust? Ohh Tiiinker Beellll! She's waaaiiitinnng! YOOOHOOO!

The list is endless... and rather embarrassing.

So, Middle Eastern Chick is going to proof-read her whack-job list and edit it a tad bit. She'll probably chop off two-thirds and later complain of being bored during the summer. We humans can be such strange beings, can't we?

For all those who actually DO manage to check off every single little box on their summer check-list... Middle Eastern Chick calls your bluff. She challenges you. Meanwhile, she'll be off to enjoy her blissful oblivion and one-third of her summer check-list.

The Direction Convention. Right. No left. No wait... Right!

My mother made a very interesting observation a few days ago. She was asking her Filipina nurse for directions to the metro station when she realised that the ways in which people give directions are so specific to their nationalities. Now that I think about it, she is absolutely right!

The Middle East has an amalgamation of nationalities... Arab (not to mention all the different types of Arabs!), Indian, Pakistani, Filipino, South African, Nepalese, Chinese, Russian, Romanian, British, American, Malaysian... you name it! Naturally, living in such a diverse environment has changed the way people think around here. I realised only recently that, having lived here for most of my life, I'm used to being part of a society where it's perfectly normal to see an a room full of people from completely different backgrounds, to the point where being a room with people of only one nationality feels a bit strange. At the same time, I've realised that while I am accustomed to being part of such a varied society, there are many others who find it implausible that such different people can work, laugh, eat, joke and even just LIVE together in one place!

Now that I know exactly how different my environment is, I have learned to appreciate the differences between those around me. Not too long back, I never really focused on the differences between people of different nationalities living around me... however, now that I'm alert, many beautiful things have begun to shine from within those very people! It's like living in a place where all the hilarious quirks of people of different nationalities are squished together into one big comedic reality show!

Now, back to my mother's story... Here are our observations on the hilarious ways in which people of different nationalities give directions in the Middle East:

Arabs: 
Large gesticulations along with loud, friendly and enthusiastic responses. I mostly hear this: "Seeda seeda seeda! Yasar! Seeeeeda!! Seeeeeeda! Yameen! BAS! BI'DHABT!!" (Translation: "Straight straight straight! Left! Strrraaaaaight! Strrraaaaaaaight! STOP! EXACTLY!")


I know this, because I've been there and I sometimes give directions exactly like this. Other times, I give directions like an Indian (because I've got a lot of Indian blood in me).  


Indians:
Intense concentration on the question asked, and a sudden leap into directions using all the possible Banks, Sales and Promos along the way as landmarks. It goes something like this: "Hmm... Let me see. Oh! OKAY! Go straight and you'll see the 1/2 Dirham store on your right! Keep going straight until you see the Mashreq Bank and go left from there! Then, you'll see the big pink store with a huge "50% OFF" sign in the window! From there, go right and that's it! You're there!"


Have I given directions like these? Guilty. Have I followed directions like these and shopped till I dropped along the way? Happened so many times that I've lost count. 


Filipinos:
They are the most jovial people out here. Always laughing, smiling, joking and eating. That's probably why all their directions involve food joints and restaurants. "Okay... Just walk until you see the Tandoori Chicken Palace and cross the road from there. Then, walk straight until you reach the Asian Wok. From there, go left. You'll see a big mall straight ahead and see the Delhi Darbar. Just walk a little further and you'll see the Meat House. It's right next to the Meat House."


I love Filipinos, but I try my best not to ask them for directions. They always leave me feeling so damn hungry! 


Chinese:
It's all about the technology. 'Nuff said. "Go to the Plug Ins Store and drive until you see Ace Hardware. From there, just go left until you see the Apple Store. That's it." 


American:
I can never understand their directions... Possibly because in the USA, it's really easy to give directions using street names and coordinates since they have the grid system. Out here, you try using street names and people will look at you like you just popped in from Mars. It's something like this:


Taxi driver: "Where to, sir?"
American passenger: "Building number 11, street number 13B, Al Muwaihat road, Abu Dhabi"

What the Taxi driver heard: "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH - BLAH BLAH BLAH - BLAH - Abu Dhabi" 


Yeah... we don't do street names out here unless they're the highway names. If you're American and planning to visit the Middle East, keep your eyes peeled on the road for as many large landmarks as possible... because that's how you'll be giving directions. So, the American Passenger should have said something like this: 


"Abu Dhabi, near the Reef Mall, opposite the Radisson." Easy. 

Living in the Middle East has made me pick up on all these little traits (except for the American road naming... that just doesn't go down with people out here) without even realising it! It's quite possibly the best thing in the world to realise that you live in a diverse community and you've got a little bit of every culture in you. I feel like a real child of the world ;)

Mind Blown

A quickie post from yours truly. Some readers are probably aware of my intense love for Doctor Who. For those who aren't... Welcome.

I just wanted to let fellow Doctor Who fans out there know that the latest episode of the sixth series- A Good Man Goes to War- IS FREAKING AWESOME (If they haven't already witnessed it's awesomeness). Watch. It. Now.

I won't say much more in case you haven't seen it yet. I'd probably kill someone who gave anything away. Like, properly kill them. Strangely enough, my best friend had some whacky theories about the characters that we were discussing the night before the episode came out (yes, we spend our Sunday nights talking about the Tardis, River Song, Amy Pond, Rory and, of course, the Doctor and his many enemies because that just happens to be how we roll. Bow-ties are cool) and, get this, THEY WERE TRUE. You have no idea how unbelievably amazing it feels to see a theory be proven true!

When you watch it you will see connections that you missed in the previous episodes- connections that were right under your very noses! It's genius! Unreal! Bloody brilliant! I'm a little excited. Don't worry, you will be as well. If you're not a Whovian, I suggest you start being one now. You will never regret making that decision.

Right, I'm going to stop going on about how a 945 year old time lord makes me squeal and leave you to it. GO WATCH NOW. NOW. Now now now now now now now! I'll be off now.

Here, feast a bit on creepy eye-patch woman: